An Intimate Cry

Are you the type of person who would prefer to be happy all of the time? Smile at strangers? Love to make people feel welcomed, accepted and loved? Well, join the team. I want everyone I meet to feel special, and I believe, for the most part, they do. Yeah Team Happy!

Sometimes, even though I fight it as if I am drowning, I experience sadness. The more I fight it, the more emotional I get. It’s as if I’m splashing in water trying to get to the side in order to grab the wall or the railing for the stairs and I can’t seem to make it. The more I splash and panic the more my head goes under the water. Emotions are fluid, like water and we all know fighting water it is exhausting.

I have learned that it is important to embrace those emotional moments or you will drown in sadness and despair. Trust me; these moments can be temporary. You become your most vulnerable and intimate when you surrender to your feelings. It offers the opportunity for you to have an honest conversation with yourself.

On my way to work one morning, at a red light, I took a deep breath and burst into tears. I was struggling to keep it together all morning. I was tense. My neck hurt. My frown gave me a headache. I had no choice, but to release. It was very apparent from the guttural sobs that I heard coming out of me that I must have been fighting this well needed cry. Once my meltdown subsided, I spoke out loud, “I wish I had a dad. I wish I had a sober mama. I wish my sisters understood me and would be my friend. I am lonely.” After that very honest outburst I inhaled and the air smelled so fresh, my vision was clearer, my neck did not hurt anymore and I felt happy again. Just like that.

The conversation was not over though. I needed to ask myself if my statements were true. I concluded that for the most part, they were true. However, they did not need to be justified to move beyond the thoughts that did not serve a purpose except to leave me in a distressed, uncomfortable mood.

I’m on Team Happy for goodness sake! Who has time for all of that sadness? Imagine if I fought that urge to cry for the whole day? I was already in physical pain, my neck and head. It would have affected my productivity, my health, my interaction with other people. It just would have been an all-out horrible, no good, very bad day.

The truth of the matter is…my daddy abandoned us. My mama prefers to self-medicate and my sisters, well, they never understood my desire for knowledge. It is what it is. Cry, embrace, expel, smile and keep it moving. My counseling services has tools that can help you “embrace” your emotions, accept them and assist with thinking differently about them.

An early morning tearful purge of negative emotions, at a red light, in my car, alone has been the most intimate moment for me in a very long time. Not even with a partner have I had that kind of connection in a while (no comment; that’s another blog conversation). Life will not always be a “happy, happy, joy, joy” animation. Don’t fight water and risk drowning. Be calm, be confident, be courageous and swim to the edge. You will be surprised at how intimate it will feel.